Personal Confessions-Part 1

When I get home from school and neither of my parents is home, I like to pretend I have a cooking show called “Putting Butter on Things and Putting Them in the Microwave”; and then I take leftovers from my fridge and put butter on them, and put them in the microwave. One time I put butter on peanut butter and put it in the microwave.

Sometimes, I have moments where I’m deathly afraid I’m about to urinate in my pants; but then I catch myself.

I’m relatively scared of the dark, because sometimes when I’m alone I think that some bald man is going to come up from the foot of the bed and lick my big toes. And he’ll like it. And I won’t.

I set my car to km/hour sometimes so it looks like I’m going faster than I really am because I’m not allowed to drive on the highway.

I like to smell my upper lip a lot, and sometimes I pretend I’m doing something with my hand in front of my face so other people won’t see me do it in public.

I have a trash grabber that I use to pick up the dirty underwear off my floor when I’m cleaning my room because it makes it more fun. I pretend that I’m in a hazmat suit picking up toxic waste with those little tong things.

I like to pretend that I’m a giant eating little trees when I eat broccoli because it helps me get over my height complex.

I love Toddlers and Tiaras.

I buy classical music cassettes and put them casually around my room before people come over so that they’ll think I’m sophisticated. Sometimes I listen to Taylor Swift.

Sometimes I’ll preform domestic tasks like a Sim and throw my arms in the air in exasperation when an object is in my way. It drives my mom crazy.

I do a really good Christopher Walken impression. Like, really good.